Due to recent events involving a few minor car accidents in Miami, I decided to republish this article to lighten up the atmosphere (timeless piece, originally written on January 6, 2008).
One of the main complaints we hear from people relocating to Miami is that they can't deal with Miami drivers so Rick and I came up with the perfect solution......If you can't beat them, join them!
Here are some basics you'll need to learn to be able to drive in Miami without loosing your mind. These should make the transition much easier and once you start practicing, you will feel right at home.
1. Never, under any circumstance, drive with both hands on the wheel. (2 hands on the wheel mean "weakness" and they will spot you a mile away).
2. Make sure you have a cell phone on one ear. (hands-free devices are for wimps)
3. Use the other hand to do either of the following: women can apply make-up or pluck eyebrows and men can shave or pick their nose.
4. Never, under any circumstance use your blinker (turn signal) - we like surprises here in Miami, just change lanes without notice and the other drivers will respond with friendly signs.
5. If you are on the highway and cars are passing you on the left, make sure you move over to the furthest left lane to slow traffic down......this should upset plenty of drivers, just smirk and wave if you dare.
6. Sign language not only is acceptable but it is expected, only keep in mind that some drivers do pack heat, you may find yourself chasing bullets.
7. Don't ever turn right from the right lane, add excitement to your life - being in the wrong lane to turn is more acceptable.
8. Yellow light means PUNCH IT!! Slow down and you WILL cause an accident!
9. If you see a police car, don't drive patiently behind them, speed up and pass them as quickly as you can while waving with the hand holding the cell phone.
10. If you ever get stopped by the police, don't start making excuses. Miami police love the truth - just tell them to hurry up with the ticket, you have places to go and people to meet.
So stop complaining, be a little more assertive with your driving and soon enough you will not understand how you were able to drive anywhere else. Driving in Miami will feel like home.